I think this phrase is funny. Mostly because I think most American's see "the charmed life" as a dream - house in Malibu, pool in the backyard, wonderful kids who go to private school & excel, wonderful parents & friends, nice cars, money to pay bills & do fun activities almost anytime you want, money to eat out often... what else... did I mention money? It's insane how central money is to dreams like these.
When I think about the kind of life I want, I get so distracted. I don't know what I want. I know lots of little things I don't like & a few things that I wish for, but my brain gets going & I can't help but start asking lots of other questions. Things like: What is really wrong with my life? What do I think would make it better? Is that just better in my opinion? Do I honestly think all these small changes will miraculously make me the person I wish I was? Do I even actually want to be the kind of person I wish I was?
My brain is on constant overdrive. I'm thinking all day long about lots of important & unimportant things. My weight, my appearance, my habits, my kids & their habits, our finances, our goals in life, my friends & their situations, the lost, the homeless, how hungry I am & those last 10lbs I "want" to lose... the list goes on. But every day, I seem to go around in a complete circle. Trying to find a way to make my life make sense. Trying to make my life be one that counts. Trying to figure out what that looks like. Thinking about what I think that should look like. Trying to figure out what God thinks that looks like. Trying to find a plan that accomplishes all of that. Talk about overwhelming.
Truth is, I will never figure it out. But I cannot help but feel like there is an adventure ahead that I cannot quite connect with yet or even imagine. Then again, maybe this is my own doing - maybe it's just my desire to be an important person, with amazing gifts that makes an impact to change the world - maybe it's just those things sprouting up & making me discontent, rather than driving me forward in actual service. Honestly, I spend a lot more time thinking about how I could make an impact than just being the type of person who impacts the people they are around. But there is this constant battle inside - the battle for simplicity feels like it is fighting against the battle of accomplishment (notice I said "feels," not that is actually is).
There are lots of worthwhile endeavors out there, and how am I - in my finite mind, with my finite time, with my finite energies & puny little amount of knowledge - supposed to just choose & move forward? How do I choose what to pursue? Many people say "Just pursue what God puts in front of you." Hmmm. There are lots of things in front of me. Maybe if I just tried one after the next, I would see them either fall through or flourish. But then my mind says "How can I spend all that time on something that might not work out?" So then I sit & wallow some more.
As you can tell, I am pretty melancholic. :) I'm not a very good "do-er." I have so much ambition, but haven't quite found my area to put all that ambition into. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of worthwhile things, but nothing so far has really felt quite like the perfect fit. Is it supposed to? As a follower of Jesus, my main goals are to glorify God, rest contentedly in Him & spread His love in any way I can. I definitely can accomplish all those things by being a stay at home mom, a respectful wife & an honest friend. I do believe that these tasks are most important, and if I cannot do them, I need to cross other things off my list. But right now, I see so many things in this broken world that need fixed, that I want to be a part of the fixing, but opportunities have not risen for me to participate in them the way I hope or even in ways that I am able to commit to.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not depressed or upset, I'm not intentionally trying to find fulfillment outside of God (and praying that I'm not, but rather just seeking His guidance). My goal is just to voice this yearning inside me that hasn't found a good place to shout & jump & go. I don't want to be discontent, I want to have joy (which I often do) but I also want to be a part of this big mission God has to bring people to Himself and it hasn't gone exactly the way I imagined or wished. I always think I can plan out the best way to be a part of the different things He's doing around the globe, but I continually have to leave that up to Him. Pray for me as I seek Him, as I ask for His peace & join in His mission. Pray for my family, that we will always have the same goal in mind.
I don't know that any big changes are on the horizon. Actually, there aren't any that I can even really fathom. That's fine. I just want to be an active participant & for God to give me full assurance of the endeavors I'm putting my energies into. I hate the idea of wasting my life on things that were personal ambitions, but I have to let go of my ideas & trust in the desires God puts in my heart, to pursue with abandon, trusting Him (& not myself) for the outcome. Motherhood is certainly good practice in being a servant, & I know that I can absolutely get some more practice in doing that graciously ;)
Speaking of the kids, have I mentioned that I love their ages these days? So fun! Great conversations with Asher - he's been asking what things mean, things like phrases from songs or words like "righteousness." It's such a good reminder for me to be teaching him continually, and not to wait until I think he's ready, but to reveal truth as things come up every day in life. Cole is funny. Hmm. Just funny. He pretends a lot, says things in silly voices just because & while he seems to still lack skills like blowing his nose, we're amazed at the things he picks up just from listening to Mark & I talk.
I feel so blessed to live in America & that my husband has a great job that allows me to stay home with my children, feed everyone in my house well, pay our bills & even help supply for the needs of others less fortunate. The charmed life is one I definitely live & was reminded of today. While in the drive-thru at Wendy's we saw an american flag. Asher says "Look mom, a flag!" I replied "Yeah, that's the American flag." Then he says "That's where I live!" Yep kiddo, and we are lucky. No, everything isn't perfect here, but it's a heck of a lot better than 99% of the world. I hope to always remain grateful, even when feeling a little unsure about my endeavors. At least I'm living a free life in a free place where I have so many options that I go crazy. Better crazy & free than sane & a prisoner. Thank you God for Your abundant graciousness & provision in my charmed little life! Most of all, I just don't want to waste it.
When I think about the kind of life I want, I get so distracted. I don't know what I want. I know lots of little things I don't like & a few things that I wish for, but my brain gets going & I can't help but start asking lots of other questions. Things like: What is really wrong with my life? What do I think would make it better? Is that just better in my opinion? Do I honestly think all these small changes will miraculously make me the person I wish I was? Do I even actually want to be the kind of person I wish I was?
My brain is on constant overdrive. I'm thinking all day long about lots of important & unimportant things. My weight, my appearance, my habits, my kids & their habits, our finances, our goals in life, my friends & their situations, the lost, the homeless, how hungry I am & those last 10lbs I "want" to lose... the list goes on. But every day, I seem to go around in a complete circle. Trying to find a way to make my life make sense. Trying to make my life be one that counts. Trying to figure out what that looks like. Thinking about what I think that should look like. Trying to figure out what God thinks that looks like. Trying to find a plan that accomplishes all of that. Talk about overwhelming.
Truth is, I will never figure it out. But I cannot help but feel like there is an adventure ahead that I cannot quite connect with yet or even imagine. Then again, maybe this is my own doing - maybe it's just my desire to be an important person, with amazing gifts that makes an impact to change the world - maybe it's just those things sprouting up & making me discontent, rather than driving me forward in actual service. Honestly, I spend a lot more time thinking about how I could make an impact than just being the type of person who impacts the people they are around. But there is this constant battle inside - the battle for simplicity feels like it is fighting against the battle of accomplishment (notice I said "feels," not that is actually is).
There are lots of worthwhile endeavors out there, and how am I - in my finite mind, with my finite time, with my finite energies & puny little amount of knowledge - supposed to just choose & move forward? How do I choose what to pursue? Many people say "Just pursue what God puts in front of you." Hmmm. There are lots of things in front of me. Maybe if I just tried one after the next, I would see them either fall through or flourish. But then my mind says "How can I spend all that time on something that might not work out?" So then I sit & wallow some more.
As you can tell, I am pretty melancholic. :) I'm not a very good "do-er." I have so much ambition, but haven't quite found my area to put all that ambition into. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of worthwhile things, but nothing so far has really felt quite like the perfect fit. Is it supposed to? As a follower of Jesus, my main goals are to glorify God, rest contentedly in Him & spread His love in any way I can. I definitely can accomplish all those things by being a stay at home mom, a respectful wife & an honest friend. I do believe that these tasks are most important, and if I cannot do them, I need to cross other things off my list. But right now, I see so many things in this broken world that need fixed, that I want to be a part of the fixing, but opportunities have not risen for me to participate in them the way I hope or even in ways that I am able to commit to.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not depressed or upset, I'm not intentionally trying to find fulfillment outside of God (and praying that I'm not, but rather just seeking His guidance). My goal is just to voice this yearning inside me that hasn't found a good place to shout & jump & go. I don't want to be discontent, I want to have joy (which I often do) but I also want to be a part of this big mission God has to bring people to Himself and it hasn't gone exactly the way I imagined or wished. I always think I can plan out the best way to be a part of the different things He's doing around the globe, but I continually have to leave that up to Him. Pray for me as I seek Him, as I ask for His peace & join in His mission. Pray for my family, that we will always have the same goal in mind.
I don't know that any big changes are on the horizon. Actually, there aren't any that I can even really fathom. That's fine. I just want to be an active participant & for God to give me full assurance of the endeavors I'm putting my energies into. I hate the idea of wasting my life on things that were personal ambitions, but I have to let go of my ideas & trust in the desires God puts in my heart, to pursue with abandon, trusting Him (& not myself) for the outcome. Motherhood is certainly good practice in being a servant, & I know that I can absolutely get some more practice in doing that graciously ;)
Speaking of the kids, have I mentioned that I love their ages these days? So fun! Great conversations with Asher - he's been asking what things mean, things like phrases from songs or words like "righteousness." It's such a good reminder for me to be teaching him continually, and not to wait until I think he's ready, but to reveal truth as things come up every day in life. Cole is funny. Hmm. Just funny. He pretends a lot, says things in silly voices just because & while he seems to still lack skills like blowing his nose, we're amazed at the things he picks up just from listening to Mark & I talk.
I feel so blessed to live in America & that my husband has a great job that allows me to stay home with my children, feed everyone in my house well, pay our bills & even help supply for the needs of others less fortunate. The charmed life is one I definitely live & was reminded of today. While in the drive-thru at Wendy's we saw an american flag. Asher says "Look mom, a flag!" I replied "Yeah, that's the American flag." Then he says "That's where I live!" Yep kiddo, and we are lucky. No, everything isn't perfect here, but it's a heck of a lot better than 99% of the world. I hope to always remain grateful, even when feeling a little unsure about my endeavors. At least I'm living a free life in a free place where I have so many options that I go crazy. Better crazy & free than sane & a prisoner. Thank you God for Your abundant graciousness & provision in my charmed little life! Most of all, I just don't want to waste it.
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