Yes, I am so inconsistent! Sorry. Hopefully not many of you are dying to know what my life is like all the time... you could probably just check Facebook tho to get a general idea.
So, since I turn 29 this month, I am making a "30 before 30" list. Fun huh? Maybe, hopefully! I'm not very good at setting & accomplishing goals. This will be a good task for me. My hope is to stay on top of it... have goals for each season of the year so that way I can make progress all year. That's the purpose right? To make some goals that keep you thinking about what you want to accomplish in life. Now, most of these goals are not things that I really want to make sure I do before I die per-se. I just want to stay active & see to it that I enjoy the things God has given in life. This is weird to say, but if you know me well, you know I struggle with enjoying things. I'm in the middle of trying to unravel all of this, but it's an exhausting and complicated process. Hopefully, God will provide me pieces of clarity along the way.
One of the contributing issues is my strong desire to look good. I absolutely hate looking bad. Bad hair days, fat days, nothing to wear that makes me look stylish days - these are all small (and honestly, unimportant) things that cause me to have a terrible attitude. When I was in Thailand, about 7 days into the trip, I realized that I hadn't thought much about what I would be wearing. I was there to do something else - something important - so clothes didn't matter much to me for that week. Then I realized that at home, I CONSTANTLY worry about clothes. Maybe not always worry, but I think, plan, organize, long for more stylish stuff so often. Why? What is this desire to look good? Cultural, personal, sinful, distracting? I'm also unraveling this issue. I feel like if I was really, truly centered in God's love and earnest in pursuing the advancement of His kingdom, I wouldn't care so much about my clothes. Even when I know in my mind that it does not matter, even when I am at home all day & seeing no one, I still try so hard to look good & often am a terrible, anxious crank when I don't. I don't think I try to look good for anyone in particular, I just feel better when I do. So I cater to those feelings & struggle with how to handle them when I don't look at good as I want. Why do I want it so bad? Insecurity? Yes, probably a huge part of it!! And that's a huge inconsistency in my life - telling other's about God's love and goodness, but not believing it enough to give me security.
I've been dealing with that issue for a long time, but lately, it's come to my attention that if I want to serve God, to love Him and truly be active in experiencing His presence, I need to start dealing with it. Yes, our culture very much has an influence on this topic - how we look & feel about the way we look - but God is all about breaking cultural strongholds to give us freedom. I do want that, I just want to look nice while I have it. Ugh! So frustrating dealing with myself and my emotions and my trivial desires. And don't for a second think about telling me it's okay to want to look good - if you can find it in the bible, sure, tell me... but I'm pretty sure it's not in there. And yes, there are things the bible doesn't talk about that are good things, but the desire to be fashionable and beautiful is a distracting issue for me & causes my heart to wrestle and desire the world. That's really why I want to deal with it. I want to ensure that I am not a slave to the world (1 John 2:15).
Anyway, just thought I'd share my current "self" and tell all of you faithful followers that I'm alive and surviving :) Mark's job is a dream for him, and once we start getting paid I'm sure I'll be a bit more relieved & feel better about his time away from home. I'm super proud of him for landing such a fabulous job. Tons of people always tell him he's smart, but this is the first time his job has confirmed it too, and that's exciting! The commute is pretty awful, so at this point, we'll probably start looking at moving to Portland or the Tigard area towards February... we both feel like we just cannot justify 15-20hrs of driving all week. It's not the money or anything, just the time spent sitting around! If God puts it on our hearts to stay, by all means we will, but we've got to at least start moving in a direction and see if God blesses it.
Well, when I get my "30 before 30" list done, I'll blog again and put it up for everyone to see! That's scary - but, it'll be good because hopefully, it'll ensure I stay committed! Thanks for reading - pray for me if you think to!!
So, since I turn 29 this month, I am making a "30 before 30" list. Fun huh? Maybe, hopefully! I'm not very good at setting & accomplishing goals. This will be a good task for me. My hope is to stay on top of it... have goals for each season of the year so that way I can make progress all year. That's the purpose right? To make some goals that keep you thinking about what you want to accomplish in life. Now, most of these goals are not things that I really want to make sure I do before I die per-se. I just want to stay active & see to it that I enjoy the things God has given in life. This is weird to say, but if you know me well, you know I struggle with enjoying things. I'm in the middle of trying to unravel all of this, but it's an exhausting and complicated process. Hopefully, God will provide me pieces of clarity along the way.
One of the contributing issues is my strong desire to look good. I absolutely hate looking bad. Bad hair days, fat days, nothing to wear that makes me look stylish days - these are all small (and honestly, unimportant) things that cause me to have a terrible attitude. When I was in Thailand, about 7 days into the trip, I realized that I hadn't thought much about what I would be wearing. I was there to do something else - something important - so clothes didn't matter much to me for that week. Then I realized that at home, I CONSTANTLY worry about clothes. Maybe not always worry, but I think, plan, organize, long for more stylish stuff so often. Why? What is this desire to look good? Cultural, personal, sinful, distracting? I'm also unraveling this issue. I feel like if I was really, truly centered in God's love and earnest in pursuing the advancement of His kingdom, I wouldn't care so much about my clothes. Even when I know in my mind that it does not matter, even when I am at home all day & seeing no one, I still try so hard to look good & often am a terrible, anxious crank when I don't. I don't think I try to look good for anyone in particular, I just feel better when I do. So I cater to those feelings & struggle with how to handle them when I don't look at good as I want. Why do I want it so bad? Insecurity? Yes, probably a huge part of it!! And that's a huge inconsistency in my life - telling other's about God's love and goodness, but not believing it enough to give me security.
I've been dealing with that issue for a long time, but lately, it's come to my attention that if I want to serve God, to love Him and truly be active in experiencing His presence, I need to start dealing with it. Yes, our culture very much has an influence on this topic - how we look & feel about the way we look - but God is all about breaking cultural strongholds to give us freedom. I do want that, I just want to look nice while I have it. Ugh! So frustrating dealing with myself and my emotions and my trivial desires. And don't for a second think about telling me it's okay to want to look good - if you can find it in the bible, sure, tell me... but I'm pretty sure it's not in there. And yes, there are things the bible doesn't talk about that are good things, but the desire to be fashionable and beautiful is a distracting issue for me & causes my heart to wrestle and desire the world. That's really why I want to deal with it. I want to ensure that I am not a slave to the world (1 John 2:15).
Anyway, just thought I'd share my current "self" and tell all of you faithful followers that I'm alive and surviving :) Mark's job is a dream for him, and once we start getting paid I'm sure I'll be a bit more relieved & feel better about his time away from home. I'm super proud of him for landing such a fabulous job. Tons of people always tell him he's smart, but this is the first time his job has confirmed it too, and that's exciting! The commute is pretty awful, so at this point, we'll probably start looking at moving to Portland or the Tigard area towards February... we both feel like we just cannot justify 15-20hrs of driving all week. It's not the money or anything, just the time spent sitting around! If God puts it on our hearts to stay, by all means we will, but we've got to at least start moving in a direction and see if God blesses it.
Well, when I get my "30 before 30" list done, I'll blog again and put it up for everyone to see! That's scary - but, it'll be good because hopefully, it'll ensure I stay committed! Thanks for reading - pray for me if you think to!!
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