I'm not likely to get too specific, some of you know the intricate details of my life, and so you'll know what I'm talking about. But for some of you, you'll just have to hang in there and pray, trusting that God knows what you're asking for.
I've been so stressed lately! It's been unbearable. There are so many swimming thoughts in my head about finances, business, travel, children, food, health, diet, pain, Dr bills... looking at all of this written out wants to make me cry. Mark and I have always had a lot going on and we've certainly had our share of financial crises. Lately though, I feel like no matter what happens, no matter what great things come along, we just keep getting further and further behind. I'm super frustrated with paying for insurance! Why is it that when I don't have insurance, I end up paying the same about of money to my Dr as when I do? Really, why bother paying for insurance then? Oh yeah, just IN CASE someone in our family has cancer or gets in a terrible accident or becomes near deathly ill - that just cheers me right up!!
Anyway, lately, I've had lots of things to pray for. Friends, my best friend, her baby, friends facing difficulty, my own mental state, our finances, my sister's job, my children and husband, etc. And it's easy for me to go to God with confidence that He will take care of them. But I don't have that same confidence when I go to Him with my own requests. Why is that? How is that? I guess b/c I know my own human-ness, how I mess things up and how I am so selfish and discontent. A very possibly, really fantastic opportunity has come up for Mark, but it's not super long term, and b/c of some secret details, we just don't know how it will change life in general, what will happen once everything is settled and what that company will be doing 5 years down the road - it's complicated and I'm not worried about Mark being able to get a solid IOS programmer job - he totally could. I just can't share all the details, sorry. But, I'm just really having trouble praying about all this. I wish I could go to God, say "Hey, this seems good to me, make it happen if it is, let if pass if it's not" and be content. But I'm just afraid that we will be forever in this perpetual cycle of life, trying to get ahead/not get any further behind. Then, I think of my mission trip coming and think "maybe it was a bad call financially." And many people in the world probably think so, many Christians probably think so, but does God?
I desire to trust God far more than I do. But I cannot get there on my own. Will you pray for me? Even if you think my trip to Thailand is a bad idea (cost of passport, shots & leaving my family for a small time), will you pray that God will use it for His glory and be pleased with it? I know I struggle with inadequacy in my spiritual life and in most realms of life, but I cannot overcome it unless God does it for me. I'm feeling so emotional and girly today, ugh! But really, I don't want to live in fear b/c I know in my head that it doesn't matter if I'm poor or starving, I know that what counts is what Christ did on the cross and I'm grateful beyond words to be a child of God... but I see that I am not really willing to be poor, needy, hungry and at a constant loss for His sake and I know as a Christian, I should be. So please, just pray. I hope that this encourages at least someone that these struggles are not for the select few, but that many of us face these daily. But God can overcome, I know it.
I've been so stressed lately! It's been unbearable. There are so many swimming thoughts in my head about finances, business, travel, children, food, health, diet, pain, Dr bills... looking at all of this written out wants to make me cry. Mark and I have always had a lot going on and we've certainly had our share of financial crises. Lately though, I feel like no matter what happens, no matter what great things come along, we just keep getting further and further behind. I'm super frustrated with paying for insurance! Why is it that when I don't have insurance, I end up paying the same about of money to my Dr as when I do? Really, why bother paying for insurance then? Oh yeah, just IN CASE someone in our family has cancer or gets in a terrible accident or becomes near deathly ill - that just cheers me right up!!
Anyway, lately, I've had lots of things to pray for. Friends, my best friend, her baby, friends facing difficulty, my own mental state, our finances, my sister's job, my children and husband, etc. And it's easy for me to go to God with confidence that He will take care of them. But I don't have that same confidence when I go to Him with my own requests. Why is that? How is that? I guess b/c I know my own human-ness, how I mess things up and how I am so selfish and discontent. A very possibly, really fantastic opportunity has come up for Mark, but it's not super long term, and b/c of some secret details, we just don't know how it will change life in general, what will happen once everything is settled and what that company will be doing 5 years down the road - it's complicated and I'm not worried about Mark being able to get a solid IOS programmer job - he totally could. I just can't share all the details, sorry. But, I'm just really having trouble praying about all this. I wish I could go to God, say "Hey, this seems good to me, make it happen if it is, let if pass if it's not" and be content. But I'm just afraid that we will be forever in this perpetual cycle of life, trying to get ahead/not get any further behind. Then, I think of my mission trip coming and think "maybe it was a bad call financially." And many people in the world probably think so, many Christians probably think so, but does God?
I desire to trust God far more than I do. But I cannot get there on my own. Will you pray for me? Even if you think my trip to Thailand is a bad idea (cost of passport, shots & leaving my family for a small time), will you pray that God will use it for His glory and be pleased with it? I know I struggle with inadequacy in my spiritual life and in most realms of life, but I cannot overcome it unless God does it for me. I'm feeling so emotional and girly today, ugh! But really, I don't want to live in fear b/c I know in my head that it doesn't matter if I'm poor or starving, I know that what counts is what Christ did on the cross and I'm grateful beyond words to be a child of God... but I see that I am not really willing to be poor, needy, hungry and at a constant loss for His sake and I know as a Christian, I should be. So please, just pray. I hope that this encourages at least someone that these struggles are not for the select few, but that many of us face these daily. But God can overcome, I know it.
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