I usually love bedtime. And I never used to understand why Mark hated it. He used to say "It feels like admitting defeat... that there's nothing else you can do today." Lately I have really been struggling with this. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day for me, for many reasons. Not just laundry that needs to be folded, dishes that need to be done, emails that need to be sent... there are just TONS of other things I want to do! Lately, I've been attempting to understand more about the idea of "God's Will." I read a great book twice recently, called "Do Something" by Kevin DeYoung. It's all about the problem many of us "young adults" have with Godly decision making. I highly recommend it.
Basically, I'm seeing that God's Will is for me to know Him, thus, acting more like Christ and accomplishing His purposes wherever I am. I've been going back and forth with decisions regarding where I will end up in about 5 years... major things like kids, career, where to live... then I end up struggling with regret, self-doubt, questioning everything I do... but this book is offering me some clarity and God is definitely shaping me. It's hard for me to say that I want something but then admit that I must not want it enough to sacrifice what is required. How do I live with that? Is it honorable to have chosen other things? What if I could have made more impact? Been more "known" and thus, more people knowing more about God? What should I pursue now? Then, mostly, I almost become paralyzed thinking about making sure I do the most absolute, bestest thing I could do for God.
But now, I'm seeing (and I hope to truly believe) that God wants me to know Him to the greatest degree possible - which is wild, because He can make all things possible. Sorry, but I'm hashing this out here to help it sink into my heart. I realize, that when I know God deeply, it changes my desires, my feelings, my reactions to the people I love, my ability to take criticism, my heart for my friends and family... get what I'm saying? When I am growing closer to God, it won't matter what exactly I am doing. He'll work that out. I can make choices, go places, do things fully trusting that if I'm growing in the Lord, He will use me to the degree that I truly know Him... so this whole idea of having "maximum impact" for the kingdom is not how I envision it. No matter what I'm doing, if knowing God is center, He will be using me to have the biggest impact possible... and likely, that impact might not have been greater or lesser depending on my "career." I know that God already knows where I'll be and who I'll meet, and I'm trusting that He is prepping and using me every day to have the greatest impact I am allowing Him to have.
Still, when bedtime rolls around, I wish I had an extra hour or two to meditate on Him, read His word and what other people have to say about it... maybe tho, I'll just start doing that, trusting that God will rejuvenate me despite the loss of sleep... God can do anything right?
Basically, I'm seeing that God's Will is for me to know Him, thus, acting more like Christ and accomplishing His purposes wherever I am. I've been going back and forth with decisions regarding where I will end up in about 5 years... major things like kids, career, where to live... then I end up struggling with regret, self-doubt, questioning everything I do... but this book is offering me some clarity and God is definitely shaping me. It's hard for me to say that I want something but then admit that I must not want it enough to sacrifice what is required. How do I live with that? Is it honorable to have chosen other things? What if I could have made more impact? Been more "known" and thus, more people knowing more about God? What should I pursue now? Then, mostly, I almost become paralyzed thinking about making sure I do the most absolute, bestest thing I could do for God.
But now, I'm seeing (and I hope to truly believe) that God wants me to know Him to the greatest degree possible - which is wild, because He can make all things possible. Sorry, but I'm hashing this out here to help it sink into my heart. I realize, that when I know God deeply, it changes my desires, my feelings, my reactions to the people I love, my ability to take criticism, my heart for my friends and family... get what I'm saying? When I am growing closer to God, it won't matter what exactly I am doing. He'll work that out. I can make choices, go places, do things fully trusting that if I'm growing in the Lord, He will use me to the degree that I truly know Him... so this whole idea of having "maximum impact" for the kingdom is not how I envision it. No matter what I'm doing, if knowing God is center, He will be using me to have the biggest impact possible... and likely, that impact might not have been greater or lesser depending on my "career." I know that God already knows where I'll be and who I'll meet, and I'm trusting that He is prepping and using me every day to have the greatest impact I am allowing Him to have.
Still, when bedtime rolls around, I wish I had an extra hour or two to meditate on Him, read His word and what other people have to say about it... maybe tho, I'll just start doing that, trusting that God will rejuvenate me despite the loss of sleep... God can do anything right?
December 15, 2010 at 8:34 PM
Joellen, thanks for 'hashing it all out' here with us, too. I started reading this thinking it would be interesting, but not expecting to get something that new & impactful for myself (since we all have different things God's doing with us individually, and I wasn't thinking I had the same struggles right now). But apparently I forgot how incredibly often it seems that when God shows something to one of us, it usually comes at just the right time for the reader & those around us, too!
I really loved this line: "When I am growing closer to God, it won't matter what exactly I am doing. He'll work that out." How Freeing is that!? Thanks for helping me remember (or maybe even freshly realize) this truth about our own "maximum impact for the Kingdom" not being a burden resting singularly on our own shoulders. It's so encouraging to realize that truly, if we are seeking after Him, then we don't really have to concentrate that hard at all, on all the 'big important' decisions we may or may not screw up, because striving to know & be with Him is all it takes; and He'll just make sure we're where we need to be, doing what He wills for us! (Which is really a blessing for those of us who can be so indecisive, paralyzed with all the options & possible 'wrong choices')
Thank you, Jo, & I'm praying He keeps helping you figure out the stuff you're working on.