I'm feeling a bit anxious tonight. Mark has been doing a great job of trying to calm me down a little and assure me that God will work things out. I know He will, but I must admit I am a little afraid of what that might mean.
As I applied for OHP (medical coverage for the pregnancy) I decided to see if I could find a $ amount that they limit people at. Well, while I still haven't heard officially, it seems we make a few too many dollars each month, even for FHIAP assistance. The thing is, making $300 more a month won't near cover a C-section without insurance. And the policies I've read so far count pregnancy as a pre-existing condition that they will not cover.
So, I started thinking "Well, maybe I should try a homebirth or something cheap" but neither Mark or I are confident that I could do it. Not b/c I am a big weeny (although I kind of am) but I don't think with my tailbone and pelvis structure that it would even be possible with a baby who has a small head! Mind you, the AVERAGE head size at birth is 12"... yeah, having a baby with a 15" head doesn't leave me much hope for something much smaller. I could try, but we both really feel like I will just end up in the hospital in surgery anyway.
The other alternative (besides admitting defeat and having a $30,000 medical bill) is finding a PT job that gives insurance without questions. But I just want to cry at the idea of working again. I am a weeny I guess. First of all, I would hate to miss out on all the things Asher will be doing over the next 8 months. Walking, saying "mama" and "dada" and all kinds of incredible things. Second, how am I going to endure the physical part of it along with the emotional part of not seeing Asher or Mark all while pregnant? I was so looking forward to working more on my photography and really investing in these relationships I've formed with some great women this past year. I honestly have no idea how this will turn out.
So, please say as many prayers as you can for me. I want to trust God completely but I have to admit, I really don't want to have to work and take care of this myself... God would be providing but in a more "natural" means. I've been praying that the person reviewing my case has some degree of lenience and will have compassion for me and just approve us. Right now, I'm just desperately asking for that and trying to keep my mind still until I hear something different. Pray for my heart, that it would be completely surrendered to God's will and that if the worst happens, I would be able to get through it still knowing that He is good and loves me. After all, many things going in my life lately have really shown that God loves me so much, He's willing to give me the stupid, petty things I long for. Maybe someday I will understand Him better and trust Him more.
January 13, 2009 at 10:19 PM
We're praying.
January 14, 2009 at 9:12 AM
Jo, I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. Having two kids within a year and a half of each other is overwhelming enough without the added burden of finances. I'm not sure how OHP works, but is it possible for you guys to make $300 less a month so you qualify? (don't flame me people!) I'm guessing they look at the last 3 months so that may be out, but just a thought. And I don't think you are a weenie. God wired us to want, to NEED to care for our children. You wanting to care for your family instead of being gone all the time is perfectly normal.
Hang in there, hun. I will definitely be praying that God will give you peace and direction.
Becca
January 16, 2009 at 6:34 AM
Jo, you may be very attached to your doctor, but if you'd be willing to switch, I have a FABULOUS doctor who worked through Providence. Providence is really, REALLY good with their people. They'll let you make payments, no problem, and even offer financial assistance/wavers for people in need. When we applied last year, they wiped out tens of thousands of dollars of debt that we owe on Mark. Slightly stunning, to say the least ... Mac Hospital will NOT do that, I can guarantee that. I had a mamogram (sp?) once, and couldn't pay for more than half of it, and they sent me a notice saying that I can't come back unless I pay for procedures upfront. HUGE difference between these two systems. Just a thought ...
Hang in there! I can certainly empathize with that being overwhelmed feeling! Although I have no experience with being pregnant AND having a baby at the same time (although Katie could give you some insight on what THAT is like!). HUGS! I'll be praying.
Jenn