The Armstrong 5

Whoa, what a whirlwind! In case you didn't know, I have A LOT going on right now. Miraculously, God has provided me with what I need. Not always what I want, but what I need!

Track has been going incredibly well! While I feel pretty capable in the realm of knowing how to fix technique and help jumpers be better in general, much of the time I feel very incapable. I'm realizing that there is SO much more to learn about running form, muscles, training practices (mainly, knowing what intervals and training produces what effects) and muscle recovery... I feel like I am a little bit in over my head. But, I'm not feeling down really, just realizing that this season and during the break between seasons, I will be stuffing my head with lots of athletic and muscular knowledge. I'm looking forward to it tho!

The other thing about track that has been hard has been dealing with my regret. This is an issue I thought I had worked through a few years ago, and I knew going into this season that it would likely pop it's head up and require me to deal with it more fully. I was really good at this track thing. I'm naturally athletic and have amazing muscle recovery. I stink at running long distances, but I can jump all day long and not get tired. So, seeing some of my talented athletes has brought up this issue of competing again. It has been a bit more difficult to deal with b/c I am older, my back is still having weird things going on that are still un-diagnosed but for some reason, I still really want to be in shape and compete. This makes my head spin! For a number of reasons...

1 - is it what God wants? I mean, I had a choice, and years ago, I chose to be a slacker and do the easy thing... easy for me at least, cave into pursuing the typical American Christian life-style - not bad for everyone, but sometimes I wonder if it was the best idea.
2 - if I know that there are starving people across the globe that need to see God's love, can I really pursue competing whole-heartedly? I never think badly of those that do, but can I?
3 - physically, can I even do it? Obviously, if it's God's will and I follow through, yes, I can. But with my back falling apart and my fatigue getting the best of me many days... well, maybe it just isn't/wasn't meant to be?
4 - maybe I could have done it 7 years ago, but now I've missed the boat and this life is now a re-write... but let me say, I know that this is false... I think ;) God knew what I was going to do and what I am going to do, I don't have to let regret get the best of me b/c He doesn't have a plan B, just in case I don't end up doing what He would have preferred. If I trust that He is guiding me and I continue to pursue Him and His interests, I can trust that if I am never a track star, it wasn't meant to be. Yes? Yes, I will keep trying to tell myself yes.

Anyway, with being at practice and loving it so much, I'm just struggling with all of this. I'd like to think that my gifting glorifies God, I know it has in the past. And if I want to try again, I can try, trusting fully that God will accomplish His purpose through it, I just love it so much sometimes that it feels wrong to do it when I might serve the Lord elsewhere. Hmm. Well, now you know what goes through my head on and off. It's not resolved, and that drives me crazy! But more importantly, I must remember, that the most important thing has been resolved... Christ has conquered sin and death! I don't know if I will regret not using this gift or not... I already kinda do, but b/c of my own desires, or b/c of God's? Feel free to pray for me about this as much as you want :) I'll take any prayers I can get!!

With Tracy's wedding coming up (March 12th) I've been pretty busy testing out recipes for her bridal shower, designing invitations for the wedding and the bridal shower, finding/coordinating the right candlestick holders and testing out painting them, planning Asher's outfit for being the ring-bearer... you get the picture! Then, our Women's retreat is February 25th-27th and I'm doing a lot of design stuff for that plus operating the powerpoint during worship and possibly our sessions. I will also be helping with MC'ing a little so planning all that has really begun. Then, track meets start on March 5th (no meet March 12th thankfully) and we have a meet every Saturday until mid-May, but I am really looking forward to that part! And lastly, Mark's parents are having new counter-tops put into our kitchen upstairs this week... so no sink, counters, stove use-age until about Thursday... fun! Mark's parents will be helping us with dinners until then and I'll be doing who knows what about breakfasts and lunches... it's only 4 days tho, and I'm sure I'll survive. Plus, they are putting in a beautiful tile that is a through-body color, so the edges will be beautifully polished and shiny... and the glass accents that will be on the backsplash will look amazing... can't wait!

Okay, lastly, and update on Mark and the boys!

Cole - saying lots of words now! Shoes, read books, more, milk, all done, go, mama (still working on papa tho), bite, Asher, home, get it, poo poo, bum, ready, bath, bye, ball, fooball (football), fruit, waffle, fruit bar and then lots of gibberish that we have yet to figure out! He also says "eee" when we brush his teeth and will make the cutest, cheesiest grin ever when you smile really big at him. I need to capture it will my real camera someday, it's the most adorable thing I've ever seen. He got another haircut and screamed for the entire 5 mins. We took him to great clips since I couldn't see how Mark and I would hold him down while he was screaming and kicking and do the cutting at the same time... it was eventful enough while at the "haircut store" as Asher says.

Asher - talking in complete sentences all the time! He has phrases that crack me up b/c of when and how he says them like "But I really want to..." "what'd you say?" "Crackin' you up papa/mama." He also tells us about his dreams aka movies in his sleep. Today was a first... we were asking him about how time in the nursery was and finally he answered "I don't really want to talk about it." Sad!! I thought boys didn't clam up like that until school-age at least!! Oh well, at least I knew it was coming :) Asher has become a pro at navigating Netflix on my computer (always supervised of course). But he can click from the ending of one show, back to browsing, find another show he wants to watch and make it full screen using my wireless mouse... yeah, mini-Mark in the making. Ash has come with me to a couple practices so far and does really well. He usually kicks a ball around on the field or just plays on my phone and watches the jumpers do their thing... maybe next year Cole will be old enough to bring too!

Mark - they have gotten a pretty good response for their latest app "iamDrums." It's pretty awesome, so you need to go buy it and tell all your friends! They are getting close to releasing another app called "iamRingTones" where you use their loops to create your own ringtones!! It's something lots of people have requested - to be able to make a ringtone from their apps. I hope that it will be a huge hit and help these guys feel like their efforts are paying off. Well, they are paying anyway, but it's always great to see something you created be really popular! Besides work, Mark spends a lot of time helping me with the boys, watching them 2 of the days I am gone in the afternoon at track practice. I don't know what I would do without him! I do need to get better at giving Mark and break tho, he goes out in the evenings sometimes with Dave Barnhart, but who couldn't stand to go get away from responsibilities more often ;)

Well, if you made it this far in my post, I congratulate you! It was a long one, sorry!! But, now you know what's going on and I feel accomplished for actually blogging ;) One last update, we got approved for health insurance starting February 1st!! So thankful we can afford it (for the time being) and to have a plan for taking care of some medical things for all of us... including trips to the dentist which ought to be loads of fun!! Love you all, bye!

This is for all you women there who either are a mom of little ones or want to become a mom of little ones... especially little ones close in age :) Enjoy!!

My Day Today - 1/17/2011

5am - Asher climbs in bed with us.
5:15am - Asher wiggles, whines and settles.
5:30am - again with the wiggling and whimpering
6am - Both Mark and Asher are snoring - one slightly louder than the other... yes, I am awake still.
7am - Finally give up on sleep, look at my email, a chapter in Proverbs and FB on my phone and hustle into some clothes. Mark takes Asher into the kitchen to get some breakfast.
7:15am - Grab the laundry basket and start a load of laundry - I have to get my track clothes all dried before I leave at 2pm.
7:30am - check my recipe for tonights crock pot dinner and find that I need a few more canned items. Take the beef that was thawing in the fridge and put it in some water to thaw for the crock pot meal. Got out the crock pot and greased it.
8am - hmm, eating breakfast, monitoring Asher, getting the laundry switched out, start another load.
8:30am - Cole is STILL sleeping, but since I need to get going, I go and wake him up. He's soaking wet... peed through his night-time diaper and his fleece pj's. Change Cole, and pick out clothes for both boys for the day.
8:45am - finish getting them dressed, get Cole some breakfast, harass him about eating, let Asher play with his sticker book at the table.
9am - clean up Cole from b-fast, got Cole's shoes and jacket on, got my shoes and sweatshirt on, Asher decides he wants to go to the store with me instead of staying home with papa, put Asher's shoes and sweatshirt on.
9:10am - in the car, making a trip to wal-mart... both boys are happy!!
9:20am - at wal-mart, enjoying all the birds flying around on our walk in, grab a cart, let Asher walk...
- look for tank-tops - unsuccessful
- look for boys clothes on sale - unsuccessful (I did later find some $1 bins, but it was mostly pants and girl stuff and I didn't want to fight the crowd of women to dig, while carrying Cole and hoping Asher would obey).
- get the canned items I need plus some juice.
- put Asher in  the cart after 2 chances and him not obeying... the last one being a defiant stance and refusing to come to me.
- get to the checkout line, no debit card in my wallet, shoot! Left it in my jeans pocket at home!! thankfully, the cashier saved my transaction and the bag of items for me... back home we go... after stopping and getting a smiley face sticker of course!
9:45am - driving home to get debit card and ID
10:05am - back at Wal-mart, wait in line, purchase items!
10:15am - while walking through the parking lot, a small vehicle didn't look before backing out, but thankfully, both boys stopped when I told them to and we simply stood there and watched while the car slowly (thankfully) backed ENTIRELY out of it's spot before seeing us standing there, less than 5 feet away. Nice.
10:17am - headed back home! Listened to a voicemail reminding me I had a prescription to pick up at Albertson's.
10:30am - unload the kiddos, hang up jackets, take off shoes, switch out laundry again... Cole needs new sheets cleaned and dry before naptime!
Warning! This next hour was a bit of a blur :)
- open all the cans of stuff for crock pot meal, pour in and turn on high, clean out cans
- brown meat
- get boys a fruit bar for a morning snack
- pour Cole a cup of milk
- drain meat, add to soup, clean strainer and a few other dishes waiting to be cleaned.
- keep the boys from fighting over the puzzle
- discipline Cole 2 times for climbing into chair and turning lights on and off
- discipline Asher for disobeying when I told him to get off the back of the couch and then throwing a fit about it
- discipline Cole for climbing into my computer chair and starting my music on iTunes (yes, he did it, but it was already open and ready to go, pretty much)
- take Asher to the bathroom, monitor Cole while he climbs on the stool and tries to get into cupboards while Ash is taking his time on the pot.
11:30am - boys are whiny and crying, Mark comes downstairs and I realize it's time for lunch!
- make Asher a "meat sandwich" upon request
- make Cole a PBJ
- pour drinks, give chips (Mark did this) and put boys in chairs with a bib for Cole... add fruits and a random assortment of other food items as needed.
- make a sandwich for myself
- look up recipes for granola bars, prep ingredients, mix together, put in oven (whew, wasn't as bad as I thought)
- clean Asher and take down from chair, threat of discipline for not drinking juice - then I told him good job for obeying mama and tasted the juice... yuck!! It was gross... it was a sample thing and had that weird after-taste... worse than kool-aid! Then I told Ash REALLY good job for taking a drink even though it was gross ;)
- clean bowl from granola bars
- made tea, drank most of the tea
- Cole is shouting "Ah duh" aka "all done" so I clean him up and get him down.
- clean trays, plates and cups
12pm - go into the boys' room to play and put clean sheets on Cole's bed... ha.
- Changed Asher's sheets and pillows.
- Discipline Cole 2 times for getting onto Asher's bed after I told him no twice and tried to block him from climbing up while I was putting the new sheet on.
- Decided to take off Cole's crib bumper since I was working up a sweat trying to put a new sheet on and tuck that stinking mattress under the bumper... after much huffing and puffing, Mark came back down and watched the boys for 5 minutes while I finished taking off the old the bedding, took the granola bars out of the over, untied all the ties on Cole's bumper and cut my slightly warm granola bars.
12:30pm - played with the boys, cleaned up toys and watched a bit of Monster's Inc on Asher's phone (yes, that's correct.)
12:50pm - changed Cole's soggy diaper
12:55 - Cole poops
1pm - change Cole's poopy diaper, clean up toys and such in the boys' room
1:15pm - put Cole down for nap & turn crock pot to low.
1:20pm - I go to the bathroom and get dressed for track practice.
1:30pm - take Asher potty again, with much resistance, then put him to bed.
1:40pm - get my shoes on, purse loaded, papers packed, food ready, water ready, take a fresh granola bar to Mark upstairs and steal a kiss before I leave, and then I head out the door.
1:50pm - stop my Albertson's and pick up prescription.

Since I missed much of the afternoon with the boys, I'll just briefly say that I drove an hour to Corban University, went to a coaches meeting, a team meeting, then practiced with my incredible jumpers, filled up the van with gas, drove an hour home and greeted my family just before 7pm! Ate dinner, cleaned some dishes, played, gave kisses, dressed for bed, brushed their teeth, snuggled with Mark on the couch for a few while Cole snickered at us and Asher said "Papa's holdin' mama!", more kisses and stern warnings about staying in bed. Showered, shaved and now, here! Great day overall. I love having productive days like these (aside from the whole wal-mart, no money fiasco)... they are definitely busy, but fun :) Just a little more reading tonight and I am out for the count!!

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Enjoy :)

No worries folks, nothing you don't already know about ;) I just like to keep you on your toes!!

So, on Monday I start my new job as the Jumps Coach for Corban University's Track and Field team! Craziness! This was nowhere on my radar 6 months ago and now, I'm really excited and feel very "fit" for this role. Not physically fit, but prepared in most of the other areas I need to be. Here's a pic from one of the last years I did track... miss that whole team atmosphere! And the people, so much fun.

I'm making an alphabet for Asher with a pack of 4x6 scrapbook paper I bought on sale. I'll make sure & show the finished project when I'm done :)

So, I have a few resolutions. I want to create something that has these written out more concisely and all decorative-like, but I'm busy and tired so it might have to wait.

If you read my smallmustardseed blog then you know that two of my resolutions are no complaining and to be content/not be discontent with where God has me and what He has given me. Another goal is to do some more studying and writing on a few subjects - joy, where a complaining spirit comes from and what it does to us, being dead to self and alive to Christ, some Old Testament persons... I think that's probably plenty to start with! Overall, these fall under this goal of just knowing God better and trusting Him more. I can already see myself being pushed to what I think are my limits, but I know that God can do more than I'm able, so I'm just continuing to trust that He works every detail of my life out for His glory and my sanctification - as long as I allow Him to do so.

I will admit, the whole "no complaining" thing is hard! Mark and I are both committed to it, which is helpful. But, I feel like there's got to be some line between sharing what's going on in my life and complaining, but I have trouble finding it! I want to tell people my struggles, but how do I do so in a way that is not complaining? Sadly, I find that many Christian women complain a lot but end up saying "But God is good" at the end to make it sound like it's not complaining... does that count? I mean, if you're still feeling the need to share all of your woe's, can you truthfully mean that God is good? Because all the sharing can also mean that you're not at ease with them... which is really the goal right? To be fully at peace with all the happenings in your life... but that doesn't always mean you don't tell people right? Who knows! But, part of my goal for the year is to look more into what the bible says about all of this and hopefully gain some wisdom from it.

Still, I will share that I am struggling with some physical pain lately. I won't go into detail so as to try and make sure I'm not complaining, but it's something new and different and of course, I've already self-diagnosed ;) But, I'm glad to say that we applied for insurance last month so hopefully come February, we'll all be insured and I'll be able to go see a Dr! Pray for me though, that I will be committed to trusting in God's physical provisions, even if that doesn't include taking away any pain. Pray that I will be willing to step out in faith and take care of the tasks at hand even when I don't feel I have the capacity to do it.

On another note, the kids have been great lately! Which has helped me a ton!!! Cole really turned a corner right at the 16 month mark and we are loving it! It's as if he woke up one day able to say a few more words, able to understand WAY more than before and able to interact with us in new ways. I LOVE this age so much more than the first whole year. It's so fun to play games, talk to him and know that he really gets it... plus, seeing him and Asher interact together is just priceless! Today at lunch, Cole wasn't eating his sandwich and I decided to just give him some time. Then I hear Asher say "Coley, take a bite, or you'll have to go in your crib..." and then Cole actually took a bite!! Haha! We're trying to explain to Asher that mama and papa are the ones who tell Cole what to do, but it was so cute I couldn't help but smile. I just can't believe that Cole understands that much and that Asher is able to put all his thoughts together like that. They really are growing up!

Alright, well, I need to finish up some knitting for baby Malachi's blanket... kinda late, but just about done! I wish I had time to knit all my friends' kids blankets, but there are just TOO many babies! Next up will be the Lacine's newest growing baby, due July 20th! I'm really hoping another Armstrong-Lacine reunion will take place this summer!!! Love you all!

Today was good. We opened our stockings last night and each boy got to open their "large" gift. Cole got a Rody - which is like an industrial, blow-up horse for bouncing and riding... tho, he wasn't so impressed. It takes a bit more balance than he's apparently got at this point :( My bad! Asher got a really nice tricycle! He's struggling a little with steering and pedaling at the same time, but I'm sure he'll have it down in no time.

Early this morning, Nate, Mary and Analeigh came over (mom and dad came upstairs) and the gift exchange started. The Brewers came around 9am and then the other Armstrongs (Matt, Shaana and Grace) came shortly after that. Nate and Mary had another family get-together so they had to leave early, but the rest of us finished up all the gift stuff and enjoyed many traditional Armstrong Christmas day foods - including Cinnamon Rolls and Valley of the Son soup - yum!

I do love Christmas. And I don't want to sound negative. I can't help but think about all the tradition we participate in without knowing the reasons behind it. I know that Jesus wasn't actually born on (or even really close to) Christmas day. And most Christmas traditions have been altered from pagan holidays - I think the worst of all this is when the Pope made Christmas Day an official holiday, encouraging "pagans" to become Christians and convincing them that they could still participate in all their pagan traditions, only as worshiping Christ, instead of worshiping the gods of agriculture and fertility... kinda twisted, not exactly a solid way to "convince" people to serve the Lord - "here, you don't have to give up your super fun holiday to follow Christ, just alter it!". Anyway, I've just been giving all of this some thought. I don't have any solid conclusions. I don't know that I am going to go all puritan and get rid of our fake Christmas tree, but it certainly feels wrong to tell people that Jesus is the reason for this season... because this season was made up for other reasons than Him. Jesus is the ONLY reason for Joy, and that's what we remember at this time. But as for all the other random traditions - gift giving, caroling, stockings, tree - well, I'm just not sure of it's place.

This year, we did spoil the boys a bit more than we were comfortable with - it's too easy to do! It was the first year we actually had some extra money to kinda go crazy with. But in America, people look down on you if you don't give gifts to your kids, like you're depriving them! Let me tell you folks, there is a huge WORLD of deprived children, and if my boys didn't get one single gift, they would still not be anywhere near that class of deprived children. I don't want my kids to think that Christmas is about getting gifts. I also don't want them to be deceived of it's origins. Is there a way to have compromise in this without violating my conscience? Good question! Guess we'll see next year ;)

Hope you all had a happy holidays and that ultimately, Jesus reminded you of His incredible, intense, all-giving love for you!

Oh man, Asher says a LOT of funny things these days! Here are some phrases and conversations that have been going on lately.

"What did you say?" - about 1/2 of the time I am talking to anyone, this pops out of his mouth.


After getting in our bed at 7am, he says "Had a good sleep." Then, he rests for 15-20 minutes, rolls over to papa and says "Can I hold papa's iPhone please?"


Lately, Asher talks most rapidly while going potty - just sentence after sentence... it's super funny and super cute...here's a short snip-it from this afternoon:

mom - "Did you have fun with papa and Brendan?"

Asher - "Went bowling! Papa had a green ball. Brendan had an orange ball. They throw them. I picked one up, it was REALLY HEAVY."


He sings: "Ring round rosy, pocket posy, Ashers, Ashers, all fall down!"


While running out of his room naked from the waist down, Mark asks "Asher, what are you doing?"

Asher - "Changing my pants. They're too short. I get new ones out."


Lately, we've been working on some pronunciation, not because I'm crazy about everything being perfect, we just tried it a little and found that Ash could actually say things better with a teensy bit of repetition... so, this conversation started.

Asher, repeating - "scary, scared" (both with the correct S-C combo instead of the usual "gary" or "gared" version of the words.)

Papa - "Asher, that's so good, you're getting really good at saying those words."

Asher - "I been workin' on my L's. Really good job?!"


Asher (in a very high voice) to Cole when Cole was crying in his high chair: "It's okay Coley. You're fine. Stop crying, you'll be alright."


This afternoon, Asher headed downstairs with Grandma A. for a bit. He looks at the Christmas tree and says "Hey, there's another red present by the Christmas tree!" And he was right! That kid has a crazy memory for stuff... just like mama :)


Asher to Cole tonight at Thai Country while looking at the fish, with a super high voice, while touching Cole on the shoulder and with a very high-pitched emphasis on the word little - "See Coley, that's a big fish and that's a little fish. And see the elephant. It's so cool!"


And lastly, we've also been working on manners, mainly, learning how to politely ask for things. So now, anytime we say "How do you ask nicely?" he replies, "Can you... " it can be something he wants, something he wants you do get or do... it almost always starts with "Can you" even when it should be "can I" and it is ALWAYS said in a super high pitched voice! Hilarious!


Being around Asher every day is such a joy! Especially now that he's gotten back into the habit of staying in his bed all night... I thought I was going to go crazy if I had to take him to bed at 12 am, 2am, and 4am for many more nights. Lately, he is observing EVERYTHING we see and telling us all about it. He asks about opening our Christmas presents almost every day and LOVES to see Snowman anywhere - yards, pictures, clothing... you name it! So friends take note, if you want Asher to say hi to you (he's incredibly shy) just wear some type of piece of clothing with a snowman or some other type of adorable thing! It works like a charm!

Oh, and something totally random... if you want to get a great tricep workout, try using a paper-cutter (the home scrapbooking kind, not the big lever kind) to cut out 3 different pieces of paper for 150 invitations. I haven't done all the math yet, but it's anywhere from 5-7 slices for every 2 pieces of paper, and there is a total of 450 pieces of paper... my triceps are going to HURT tomorrow. All for my baby sister Tracy. Love in action, baby! ;)

I usually love bedtime. And I never used to understand why Mark hated it. He used to say "It feels like admitting defeat... that there's nothing else you can do today." Lately I have really been struggling with this. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day for me, for many reasons. Not just laundry that needs to be folded, dishes that need to be done, emails that need to be sent... there are just TONS of other things I want to do! Lately, I've been attempting to understand more about the idea of "God's Will." I read a great book twice recently, called "Do Something" by Kevin DeYoung. It's all about the problem many of us "young adults" have with Godly decision making. I highly recommend it.

Basically, I'm seeing that God's Will is for me to know Him, thus, acting more like Christ and accomplishing His purposes wherever I am. I've been going back and forth with decisions regarding where I will end up in about 5 years... major things like kids, career, where to live... then I end up struggling with regret, self-doubt, questioning everything I do... but this book is offering me some clarity and God is definitely shaping me. It's hard for me to say that I want something but then admit that I must not want it enough to sacrifice what is required. How do I live with that? Is it honorable to have chosen other things? What if I could have made more impact? Been more "known" and thus, more people knowing more about God? What should I pursue now? Then, mostly, I almost become paralyzed thinking about making sure I do the most absolute, bestest thing I could do for God.

But now, I'm seeing (and I hope to truly believe) that God wants me to know Him to the greatest degree possible - which is wild, because He can make all things possible. Sorry, but I'm hashing this out here to help it sink into my heart. I realize, that when I know God deeply, it changes my desires, my feelings, my reactions to the people I love, my ability to take criticism, my heart for my friends and family... get what I'm saying? When I am growing closer to God, it won't matter what exactly I am doing. He'll work that out. I can make choices, go places, do things fully trusting that if I'm growing in the Lord, He will use me to the degree that I truly know Him... so this whole idea of having "maximum impact" for the kingdom is not how I envision it. No matter what I'm doing, if knowing God is center, He will be using me to have the biggest impact possible... and likely, that impact might not have been greater or lesser depending on my "career." I know that God already knows where I'll be and who I'll meet, and I'm trusting that He is prepping and using me every day to have the greatest impact I am allowing Him to have.

Still, when bedtime rolls around, I wish I had an extra hour or two to meditate on Him, read His word and what other people have to say about it... maybe tho, I'll just start doing that, trusting that God will rejuvenate me despite the loss of sleep... God can do anything right?

Yep, many of you have heard, Tracy got engaged! So crazy! Her fiance (also Mark) is such a sweet guy, and you can tell he loves her so much!!

So, Tracy and I will be doing lots of wedding planning in the next few months. Their wedding date is March 12th, 2011. They figure (and I agree) to just get it done with and not wait around, tempting each other... makes lots of sense and definitely a wise choice.

On Sunday I did their engagement photos and they turned out spectacular! So happy that it went well - I've been a bit out of practice. Enjoy!!

I was reading in Matthew tonight (in the bible that is). I'm working on a lesson for bible study on Thursday and I am really feeling torn about so much. Mainly, I'm wondering, how much do I really believe that I will be rewarded in Heaven for what happens here on earth? Do I really believe that when I pursue God's desires (to reach the lost and heal the broken) and put my own desires on the side, that I will be blessed for eternity? Do I believe this enough to suffer financially for the rest of my life? Or even a small part of my life? Giving up a nice home, nice clothing (with a wide variety of styles), comfy cars, whatever... get what I'm saying? Maybe I don't believe as much as I thought. But now that I am realizing this, I cannot very well go back to being concerned about only myself, my family and my friends all the time. They are just a very, very small portion of the population.

I always forget that God is more than able to take care of me despite the worst mishandling of anything and everything I can imagine... so why not pursue His interests above all of mine? He gives us desires for a purpose I'm sure, like the apostle Paul's desire for the gentiles. I guess what I'm trying to do, is evaluate if I'm really willing to lose myself for other people's standing before God. I mean, duh, right? Why would I even think about asking that? Then why am I not doing it more? Really, I think it's because I prefer being comfortable, but I don't want to risk eternal joys for little, tiny, momentary comforts. Pray for me, because my heart needs to change before it gets too stuck.